Hating Myself

So its like 11 o'clock i have the day off and I hate myself. I'm mad at me because i am too stupid to see whats in front of me. I don't deserve you, Your pretty much perfect and here i am hurting everyone around me because i cant own up to the fact that all the crappy things going on are my fault. I pushed her into this and i forced her to hurt me for my actions.......I fell in love with a girl who i ultimately pushed away because i was too stubborn to realize that she was the real deal......i hurt one of my best friends because im scared to make a mistake and feel like this is about my ego and thats selfish..............so i just want to ask myself what am i doing here when the girl i love is there? well here is my answer im not sure, is it reckless to spend the little i have to see her............to me it is, seeing her will make me happy even if she isnt happy at least one of us will be but there i go again being selfish.....my weekend wasnt great but it wasnt really bad.....i spent all of it missing one person but because of it i was more progressive in trying to make her happier in the long run, but i got to be with cori and she helped me make stuff based on how she sees the world and the situation in front of her. If only i could see the world like a 2 year old maybe then i would be smart enough to open my eyes and shut my mouth, settle the issues with results not threats and hurtful words, make sure ily's are at the end of most sentences so the one who matters knows she matters. replace fear with good morals, help the one who is screaming for it instead of ignoring her and start listening to my heart cause thats the one that really knows the right answer...........i now know what needs to be done but its probably too late but all i need is a yes or no, Can i prove it? and this time for real, i love her and i know she knows this and believes this, im just hoping she is willing to give me one last chance even when i dont deserve it.